September 19, 2006

Navigating the bridal path.

I have learned many things throughout the several-week course of our engagement, what with the reading of the bridal magazines, the watching of the bridal television, the reading of the bridal literature, and the whole being bridal, and I would like to share with you now these happy tips for a happy, sane planning time.

1. Marry someone who is really, really awesome. If you marry someone who sucks, chances are that your marriage will probably suck, too.

2. If you find yourself starting to suck, TiVo several episodes of Bridezillas. Watch until you see someone who makes her intended go in for a spa treatment against his will, or who screams, "BECAUSE IT'S *MY* DAY!" loudly on her cell phone while driving (this should only take about 5 minutes of your time), and do the exact opposite of everything she does. Because she sucks.

3. Have your family live very far away from you so that they may not "help" with anything. This will help you to you not cry or scream or want to hit people as much.

4. Try to pay for as much as you can without assistance. If this means you have to scale back and do without the foie gras luge and reception hippo and instead must serve your closest friends Tic-Tacs and powdered iced tea in the Taco Bell parking lot, then do that. If they are your friends, they will still love you and have fun and understand, and if they don't, then they suck. This is all because if someone offers to give you money, what they probably really want to do is sell you their tastes and input at the price of your soul. If you must accept money for something, make sure it's something you do not care all that much about, because if you do, you will end up crying.

5. If you go into any store or vendor with the word "Bridal" in the name, what happens to you is nobody's fault but your own.

6. No one who really, truly loves you would make you buy and wear mustard, brown, lavender, or seafoam. If they have you get your shoes dyed to match, it means they're really afraid their fiancé thinks you're pretty.

7. If you are nice and respectful to people, and not a crazy hosebeast, and make decisions (food, music, clothing) based on what you and your partner actually enjoy in your everyday life, and not just what seems "weddingy", you might actually even have a kind of super time planning your wedding - not to mention still like each other when the whole process is over, and you still have 50+ years of staring at each other over oatmeal and the Sunday Times.

Posted by Kat at September 19, 2006 06:19 PM